It’s been a while since the last time I’ve written a blog.
I could list a million and one excuses as to why I haven’t focused more of my time on writing. These past months many of you have inquired about my blogs and wanted to know when to expect the next one. My go-to reply has been, ‘It’s coming soon!” not really knowing for myself If I had it in me to write again.
When I first started writing about my experience with grief, I had so much to say. I felt I was very familiar with every stage of the grieving process and then some. My goal for posts like this one was to help, inspire, and encourage those in the midst of their grief. It wasn’t until recently I discovered that I’m currently in a state of numbness. I’ve been doing what some may call “faking the funk”– laughing and smiling on the outside, but breaking down on the inside some days.
The truth of the matter is I’ve been missing my mother terribly.
There’s honestly not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I’ve often faced the reality that this is real and I can stop trying to convince myself that she’s in jail somewhere and will be back soon. (Yes, these have been my thoughts. LOL.) What’s even more of a harsh reality is when I see friends talking about their mothers or having moments with them; I long to have at least one more time with my own. I’ve recently had dreams with her in them. My last dream with her felt so real. This is the first dream that I was able to see my mother so clearly. In the dream, she walked up to me and said “You have something on your face,” and began to wipe whatever it was. The dream left me puzzled. I started asking myself questions like ‘What could that dream mean? What was she wiping off my face?’ I’m pretty sure it will make sense soon, but for now, I’ll just hold on to seeing her face.
This numbness that I’m facing won’t last long. For one, I’m finally able to identify what exactly is going on with me, so now I can work through this with lots of prayer and therapy. I know for so many of us, especially myself, it is hard to express our feelings and thoughts to people. I deeply encourage you (I can’t emphasize this enough!) to seek counseling or a small circle of friends or family you trust to express what you are feeling. I’ve said many times before and I’ll say it again, grief is one of the hardest things to face or go through in life. You will feel like you’re on a roller coaster that’s never ending. You will have ups and downs. You will feel great for many days, weeks and even months and then BOOM, that sadness will strike you like a lightning bolt and knock you off your feet.
I want you to know, this is not a setback for me. I will get through this, just as I’ve gotten through the other stages. I find peace in knowing God is a sovereign God; He has carried me this far and won’t stop now. There is purpose in every tear that falls down your eyes and I believe that for myself.
Today would have been my beautiful mother’s 53rd birthday. I honor and celebrate her life today with memories that I will hold on to forever. For her birthday today, I pray this blog will help someone with their numbness, or whichever stage of grief you may find yourself in today.
You are not alone.
I love you, Mom!
HAPPY 53RD BIRTHDAY!
From: A Healing Daughter