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Why Do I Still Feel This Way?

It has been almost three years since my mother’s passing, and I still find myself drifting off at the thought of her and trying to remember her voice, her laugh and her smell. Even at work, I’ll feel the tears flowing down my cheeks and quickly hide my face before anyone notices. How different would life be if she was here right now? How would she handle this global coronavirus pandemic? Or the recent social injustice uprisings all over the world? I wonder how she would share her thoughts and feelings about police brutality against our black men and women. She was so protective over my brother, and I can only sit and imagine the anger and frustration she would be expressing. With all the grief being passed around this world right now, the emotions that I have been trying to suppress for quite some time are now teeming down uncontrollably, and I know that what I’m feeling isn’t rare

The reality is I miss my mom very much, and life is still not the same without her here. The truth is and will always be that the hole in my heart probably won’t ever be filled no matter how hard I try. Even with all the good that God has placed in my life, this grief is still a heavyweight. While recounting all the amazing things God has recently been doing, I find myself bargaining that He could take all those things away if it meant I would get my mother back. I’m reminded of the harsh reality that she isn’t coming back, so I’m left with the question, ‘how do you still go on with life feeling this way?’ The answer is a lot more simple than you may think, despite all of life’s complexities, you keep going. You keep praying for peace. The tears will continue to fall, and the pain will continue to sting, but you keep living. You keep healing. I know there are so many others that are feeling the grief from a loss of a loved one right now heavier than ever before. The weight of all that is taking place in the world will bring up feelings that you probably have never felt before, and it is okay. 

As I work through these feelings myself, I suggest you try to step away from the news at least once a week. During that time, try to reflect and pray. Find joy and laughter in everything as much as possible. We know that grief is a process (and it’s even more of a process when the world seems like it’s crumbling), but don’t let this world disrupt your healing. You have come this far, and you will make it to see another day.

I LOVE YOU! 

Ashley

5 replies on “Why Do I Still Feel This Way?”

It’s true you always carry it with you. I’m 42 years old and lost my mother when I was 20 years old. It does get easier with life being so busy but there are times when she pops in my head and that tear comes down. We always feel like we don’t have enough time with the people we lose.

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Hello! I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom, no matter how many years ago it was the tears will always come down. However you are right it does get easier with time. Thank you for your support on Healing Daughters and I’ll be praying for you.

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Three years or thirty years, the hurt from the lose of our loved ones never goes away. Sometimes you gotta try to think of the good and funny times more. I can’t help but laugh when I think of your mom. Her since of humor was the best. She would have me cracking up at stuff that wasn’t even suppose to be funny.
There will always be times when all you can do is cry but it does get better. Don’t stop praying for God to keep giving you the strength you need to make it another day. Love you Cuz

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Hey Jessica! You are right, thinking of the good and funny times definitely help a lot. Thank you for your support on Healing Daughters, I’ll be praying for you too. Love you!

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Hi Ashley, i admire your strength and courage to write about your journey And share it with us. Praying for you always.

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